Life is beautiful right now...all I do is sing in church and sing and dance and make music with children. I love all 330 of my babies no matter how much they drive me nuts. The beautiful voices enchant me and the kindness I see each day from the staff and students warms me.
My spiritual life has done a 360 into another land. I was once an angry Atheist, and now, I am not Catholic, or even Christian, but I am spiritual. I am calm. I follow the Word of the Lord even if I do not believe it was actually said. I follow because I see and feel the beauty.
I am challenged every day to learn how to guide these young religious musicians. It is good to be challenged as long as I don't lose my mind.
Still, I feel bitter about life outside of my work. I can't keep my bedroom or car clean (no surprise, I know). I can't find the time to get info about insurance and all that grown-up stuff. I haven't cooked anything in weeks. I can't find what is important outside of my hymnal.
I know it's just because I'm alone, but it seems everybody else in the whole world is married, engaged, or having a baby. As ex's move on and boast about their bride, I can't help but think, "but it was supposed to be me." Michael will never call me his girlfriend. The ones that want me I don't want. This is not going to work. It makes me want to go into the woods and marry myself and never leave.
I want to love. I want to matter to someone above the age of 12. I want someone to say they see a future with me and actually mean it. I'm ready, world. Ok?
I don't know why my triathlon process is so slow. Improvements have been made in running, and I have learned to ride a bike which is a start. Swimming is easy for me, but still I should just pay the damn money and use the pool somewhere to practice. I feel I won't be happy unless I pick up the pace and just register for one so I have to do it.
Or else, this blog is crap.
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