I'm ready to let the love in.

I feel bittersweet.

Life is beautiful right now...all I do is sing in church and sing and dance and make music with children. I love all 330 of my babies no matter how much they drive me nuts. The beautiful voices enchant me and the kindness I see each day from the staff and students warms me.
My spiritual life has done a 360 into another land. I was once an angry Atheist, and now, I am not Catholic, or even Christian, but I am spiritual. I am calm. I follow the Word of the Lord even if I do not believe it was actually said. I follow because I see and feel the beauty.
I am challenged every day to learn how to guide these young religious musicians. It is good to be challenged as long as I don't lose my mind.

Still, I feel bitter about life outside of my work. I can't keep my bedroom or car clean (no surprise, I know). I can't find the time to get info about insurance and all that grown-up stuff. I haven't cooked anything in weeks. I can't find what is important outside of my hymnal.
I know it's just because I'm alone, but it seems everybody else in the whole world is married, engaged, or having a baby. As ex's move on and boast about their bride, I can't help but think, "but it was supposed to be me." Michael will never call me his girlfriend. The ones that want me I don't want. This is not going to work. It makes me want to go into the woods and marry myself and never leave.

I want to love. I want to matter to someone above the age of 12. I want someone to say they see a future with me and actually mean it. I'm ready, world. Ok?

I don't know why my triathlon process is so slow. Improvements have been made in running, and I have learned to ride a bike which is a start. Swimming is easy for me, but still I should just pay the damn money and use the pool somewhere to practice. I feel I won't be happy unless I pick up the pace and just register for one so I have to do it.
Or else, this blog is crap.

The Color Run 2012

On August 25th, I woke up at 4 am, put on my new white beater and sports bra, and drove to Albuquerque to run in The Color Run: "the happiest 5k in the world." I got my packet right away and waited around. for 2 hrs. Since I got there so early, there was opportunity to get to the front of the race and start first. I thought..."hmmm...this will never happen again." (open seating), but then I was even more comforted when I noticed the obese people and children at the front with me. There were some "elite runners" to the left, so I stayed to the middle. The announcer threw frisbees and t-shirts at us while we waited and I admired the ocean of white shirts around me.

Around every kilometer mark, people stood ready with squirt bottles of corn starch color powder to throw at you. I put my arms up and danced and twirled and "woo"ed through the patches of color dust. I ran most of it, walked briskly a little. At the end there's a big color party where everyone gets a packet of color and we throw it into the air at the same time. Fun shit.

A few things to know before you do the color run:

1. White shirt dress code. But also make sure you wear a giant tutu or a fake mustache.

2. If you have a baby, put your temporary tattoo on his or her forehead and run the 5k with the baby in the stroller.

3. If you don't run thru the colors, you're lame. Just don't come.

4. If you're lame, you can cut across to the returning side before running all the way to halfway point. Then you don't have to run a whole 5k (what? just don't come).

5. This run is so noncompetitive that when you get the drink of water at the halfway point, you actually put your cup in a trash bag - you don't just keep running.

6. It's not a timed race because emphasis is on fun, so if you're going for a PR or you want to know, bring a watch.

7. If you see a girl sitting by herself drinking a water bottle after the race, go ask her to take a picture of you and your significant other. She has nothing better to do and really wants to take a picture of how you did this fun thing together.

Awesome.

Post - Las Vegas

So I spent 2 weeks in the Fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada. I only lost $2 gambling ($30 of Michael's) but lost a lot to accommodations and dining. I am now certified in Orff-Schulwerk Level One and I feel really refreshed. I met some great musicians and great people along the way and I got to hoop in 4 new states. I hooped with a mostly naked cowboy, Elvis, PeeWee Herman, Danny DeVito, and some classmates in our dance studio. I hooped somewhere else in Utah, and at the 4 corners monument which was really fun.

I decided to come back to Santa Fe without going to San Francisco because I was totally gonna run out of money unless I broke into my savings. It will have to wait (I know...that's totally un-Kathleen to say, but what can I do?) I also just wanted to get back and rest in my hometown even though I am homeless. I've stayed at Michael's the past 2 nights and am moving into Grace and Gerard's house in like an hour. A LOT of work ahead of me. Don't care right now. As I finish my Brewtus at Applebees...and a waiter just gave me this for having the most beautiful smile he's ever seen...

Michael says I'm still skinnier than I was...but I'm definitely bloated from all the eating at restaurants and not having any energy to run while I was living in a hotel and in school for more than 8 hrs/day then having homework and the stress of driving in that ridiculous city.

The Color Run is on August 25th. I want to run the whole thing.

Life's a trip.

Dad & Anna's trip out here was so fun :) We ate a lot and walked a lot and shopped a lot and I got to do a lot of the touristy things that I have not done yet like see the Loretto Chapel stairs and shop for souvenirs. We went to Tomasita's to see the Mariachias, to a flamenco show at El Farol, and up to Hyde Park to bumble around on some rocks. They helped me move from one school to my new school and some of my stuff from my house to Gerard's parents' garage. I cried when I dropped them at the airport. I love those people. I was just happy that they were there with me.

So I made it alive to Las Vegas in one day. The plan was to drive from Santa Fe to the 4 Corners to hoop there one day, and then sleep and finish the drive the next day. I had spent all of Friday and Saturday morning cleaning out my house completely so I could hand over the keys and get my deposit back. Saturday morning saying goodbye to Michael I was too caught up in all the Michaeldom and I asked/decided to go to his friend's wedding that was going on that day/night. The wedding was in the Basilica here in Santa Fe which was gorgeous (Catholic comments another day) and then the reception was at a casino in Espanola. I saw one of my students (Kinder) there and pulled her up to dance. She laughed and laughed. Then I danced with Michael for the rest of the evening. I laughed and laughed. The band was New Mexican Spanish music. Michael and I twirled and tangoed and for a couple hours I was flying. We took silly inappropriate pictures in the photo booth which was such a hit that the prints were passed around the reception hall without us knowing. Eventually we decided we needed more food and got all-you-can-eat crab legs in the casino. A silly, unbelievable, spontaneous night.

I left Sunday morning - now taking the shortest route to LV. Down I went to Albuquerque where I caught I-40W. If you remember last year's roadtrip, I spent quite some time on this highway. Back again I was. Taking the trip further West. I thought about all the things I've learned in the past year. How much I didn't know then. How scared I was. and here I am just as scared.

I stopped a couple times for gas/to pee. One homeless man told me, "Don't leave - I love you!"
My big stop was Meteor Crater, AZ. I hooped the shit out of that site. 50,000 years ago a meteorite fell and made this big hole and it's astonishing. You stand right up by it on the rim and dude it's fun. When I tell people what I'm doing when I'm hooping they think I'm the coolest person ever. Feels good.

It was tooooo long a drive - I will never drive 11 hours (in the car - 12 or 13 in all) in one day voluntarily again.

I spent two nights in the Las Vegas Hotel which was beautiful but I spent most of the time sleeping, and now I'm in the Riviera for two nights which is less beautiful but there's free Wi-Fi.

My homework...just kidding...

My Orff course is awesome. Pedagogy, games, movement, recorder, and special things for school. Today my movement teacher asked if I've studied dance. It was because I was totally the best oyster interpretive dancer there. Or I'm just not afraid to be silly. I like wiggling and that's what I'll do. There's some really nice people. Rock 'n Roll.

Fifty Shades of Tan

I walked into a Starbucks today to start reading Fifty Shades of Grey. I walk in in my little blue dress which I've worn about 20 times since I bought it last month and I smile at the cute boy sitting in one of the comfy chairs. I turn to order my iced soy caramel macchiato, and I hear him turn to his friend and say "daaaaamn." I stiiillll got it.

Yeah buddy.

So, I'm only about 12 pages into this crazed book. All I know about it is that it has an irresistible, tantalizing, gorgeous man who thinks he can control anyone with whom he comes in contact.

As I bash myself over the head over Michael, I've decided that it would be the greatest book ever to write the same story based in Santa Fe...the land of adobe and dirt...starring Michael as Mr. Tan...in the new trilogy...Fifty Shades of Tan.

The cover of said book...circa September,2011.

I had a wacky week of babysitting...a fun 9 year old boy and 11 year old girl who I really got along with at a carnival and at Cliff's Amusement Park and Waterpark in Albuquerque - where I had wayyy too much fun. Lots of rollercoasters, lots of screaming, lots of laughing. Then a 4 year old boy who literally threw rocks at me. Then a 6 year old girl with a brain of a serial killer.

All this babysitting is awesome for getting extra cash. And I always remember the phrase of an old friend..."but I LIKE sitting on baby."

I need to find out tomorrow exactly how much time I have to travel (i.e. when exactly I have to report to school), so I know which route to take to Las Vegas/San Francisco/wherever else I want to go. I could stop at the 4 corners, or Sedona, or upper or downer. Unfortunately I might have to go the straightest route possible and boom feet in the Pacific boom get home. Either way, I'm hooping across America a little more and that makes me happy.

If you don't know already, I got a new job. I am going to be Santo Nino Catholic School's music teacher. It's the same salary with much better behavior and literacy in children. I'm scared and excited. I will have to lead the choir for mass every week which scares the shit out of me. I went to church today and sang in Spanish like a boss.

I don't know where I'm goin, but I sure know where I've been.

SOS

Things are bad. Roommate moved out today, so I have the place to myself for a few weeks, with no bed, no air conditioning, weak internet, and a shower curtain duct taped to the curtain rod. I'm scared to death about money.
Dad & Anna are coming for a week in July, then I go to Las Vegas/San Francisco, then I move in with Grace & Gerard, then school starts. I miss Andie.

In that Roommate moved out, no more P90X for me unless I buy it. It was a good 5 days. Now I have to get back running/biking/swimming harder. I can still try to remember the P90X ways.



I need to start pushing harder. Now.

P90X

Today was my first day of a commitment...to P90X. Below is my "before" shot from the back. I feel awkward about the front shot...teehee. Excited to see the difference in 30, 60, and 90 days.

My new roommate (to be explained in a moment) got the DVDs for free from a friend. Since we didn't have the equipment to start Chest/Back, we started today with Plyometrics. It was an hour-long session of jumps, squats, and everything that made those legs burn. It was hard, and I felt like my legs would give out any moment. Later today we got the resistance bands and the chin up bar so tomorrow we're moving on to Arms/Shoulders & Abs.

Well, if you didn't know, a little more than a month ago I moved in with Michael. Things were great. I bought his Prius, spent time with his daughter, laughed a lot...
Then last Friday he came home at around midnight with glossy eyes, and after a few harsh words, I was mostly moved out the next day. I was homeless, staying with a friend from Rent, with my Prius and Acclaim full of my stuff. I got the last of it from the house today and have moved it in to a new house.

Another good friend from Rent was desperately looking for a place/roommate as well, so we found a newly renovated 2BR/2BA. It's pretty. I'm a little nervous about making it a home/insurance/blahblah, but I'm trying to keep a level head and make it work. When I realized the money that would be going into it, the first thing I hyperventilated about was travel. Travel is my drug - my dope, my crack, my speed. This 2 weeks in Las Vegas in July will ease me for a little bit, but lord, sooner rather than later, I will want to take flight. Then there's the rest of life, which requires money. Oops.

Rent overall went well. I did the crash diet and then kinda didn't care anymore, but I danced sexy in a half-top, blue latex pants, and leopard boots, and I totally rocked my little purple dress.

P90X...take me there! To my marathon! To Kilimanjaro! To a size 4!