My downfall.

C is for Cookie.

My Quarter-Life Crisis

2 and a half years back, I was preparing for my sophomore portfolio and I thought the world was ending. It was a Friday night after a long stressful week and I took myself to the Quaker Bridge Mall. I was sitting sadly eating a slice of pizza, and an old woman handed me an American flag keychain with a tag attached...

"Excuse me...Keep Smiling.

Kindly pardon my interruption, I am Deaf.

I am selling these items to help see my way through.

Will you kindly buy one?

$3.00 Contribution will be appreciated.

Thank you.

Have a nice day."

I handed her the $3 without thinking. Then realized. It felt other-worldly. I walked away a new woman. My portfolio was based on Deaf education and music. Annnnd she just told me to keep smiling.

Yesterday I went to the Quaker Bridge Mall to kill some time. I wasn't eating, but I was sitting near the food court, and a large black woman approached me. She laughed and I was confused. She said, "Punkin you wearin' heartache on yo' brow! Chin up, punkin," and she giggled on her way. Uh...are you serious? Is this a magic food court? Are angels sent when I am in need?

Then I was stopped by one of those kiosks that try to sell you products you'll never use. It was for that magic flat/curling iron. The woman was beautiful...from Ukraine. I sat down and let her play with my hair. She did my whole head, and I bought the iron. The whole $140 of the iron. If you know me at all, I don't spend that kind of money. My boyfriend just tore apart my world. All of my friends are out-of-state or busy. My family is what? fighting? I'm spending money I don't make. I'm having my quarter-life crisis.

Taught 3 great Gymboree classes and 2 piano lessons today. Now to play with baby Layla.

Barnes and Noble Time

"Do you long for adventure? Do you love to read maps?

Would you rather stay home with your chocolate, perhaps?

Hey! What's the hurry, anyhow?

There are places to get to! And projects to do!

People to talk with and lunches to chew!

But stopping a while is okay, too.

And whatever you do-

now or later, big or small, loud or quiet -

whatever you do, don't worry. Just try it."

-Sandra Boynton

Words of Inspiration

There are nice people in the world.

I always said that the gym is the perfect place to be with people by yourself. You're surrounded by other people running their own lives and their own systems, but there's no pressure to speak or to be anybody but yourself. Unfortunately I have not found myself "alone" as of late.

Today when I went swimming I walked out of the locker room to the pool to hear whistling from an old man. I looked at him and he gave me the "okay" hand sign and smiled. Thanks, dirty old man. I took the compliment. Still, swimming up and back gave me the privacy I wanted, in the company of others. No one could tell I was crying because my eyes already matched my red swimsuit from the chlorine.

Tonight I went to LA Fitness's yoga class. As predicted, it was more athletic than last night's class. Lots of ab/core work. Still was a nice class. and still it smelled like a gym.

Afterwards I went to the parking lot for a phone session with my psychiatrist. As usual, I was crying. I tried to move off to the side of building without getting too far in the dark, but people coming in and out could see me upset. Many asked if I needed help, and one LA Fitness worker handed me some TP to dry my face. It was all very nice. My psych quoted: "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it never was."

I finished the night of working out at the gym doing a sweaty 4.16 miles on the elliptical, all the while a boy with biceps the size of Montana talked me up. Appreciate it, Pete.

Moose Juice

Morning Workout:

• 2000m Rower
• 500m Swim

Of course that's not enough for the whole day, but hopefully I'll get back later.

I topped off my workout with a visit at Moose Juice, a store neighboring LA Fitness. If you live around here, you've probably seen the moose out on Rt. 45, beckoning people to come in. It's run by a silly weird man and the menu is all fresh and healthy. It's more expensive than my taste, but I don't think a once-a-week trip for a healthy lunch of wrap & smoothie is spoiling myself too much.

Now for some lesson planning.

PinkStone Yoga

I couldn't wake up this morning to go to Pilates as planned. I lay there and push snooze, cry a little, go back to sleep, think of the things I could eat that day that might get me out of bed, cry some more... Still, when I finally got up I rushed to the gym for a quick cardio workout before I had to start a day of tasks and errands. After a visit at the doctor, food shopping for Dad, and a short video project for Aunt Lesley, I went to a yoga class with my friend Kate.

PinkStone Yoga is led by a sweetheart of a girl. It was easily the most enjoyable yoga class I've ever taken. She reinforced with her delightful speech throughout the class to focus on the self, your own goals and limits, and made it very funny as well. I welled up with tears twice, but I would just go into child's pose and wait it out. I loved the feeling of each stretch. I loved the lavender room and the smell of incense and gentle laughter in the room. I'll definitely go again sometime.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/PinkStone-Yoga/135220143172628

When we came into the studio, we were invited to pick two tarot cards. My first one scared me. "Solitude...Higher Self." Like, really? Really, tarot cards? I don't need you to tell me I'm alone. The second card I didn't understand. It said, "You found it! -St. Anthony of Padua." Ummm...what did I find? Who? What? Maybe it'll make sense some day.

Couchsurfing

Sooo this one time...

I woke up in Peru, not knowing I would be having breakfast with representatives of four continents. People from all over the world, united by the English language and good jam.

Then came last night...

I met a couchsurfer from Plainsboro who asked if I’d be interested in going to a house party in Princeton. In that I never ever took advantage of this during my four years at college, I immediately said yes.

Six. Continents. Talk about a melting pot. We walked in and the hostess hesitated before greeting us, asking “Are you American? European?” making sure she gave us the proper hello (cheek kisses, etc.). The host greeted us with large cologne-scented hugs. He was a recent graduate of Princeton University and it was no wonder he knew so many cool people. His name was Gonzolo. Enough said.

The first people I met were from Colombia and we talked about South America and Shakira. One man, Esteban, was from Switzerland and hated Jews. Then I met a woman who was a Salsa dance instructor from Bolivia - one of the kindest women I have met. She’s one of the reasons all of these people knew each other - her Salsa class. They were fantastic dancers. Then I walked up to a boy expecting him to be American, but when he opened his mouth it was like WHOA NEW ZEALAND. I asked him if he bungee jumps, and he said “yes, I bungee jump to work every day.” I asked him what he’s becoming in Chicago, and he said “a butterfly.” Funny guy...har har...

I mingled with Peace Corps returners, slutty German girls, intelligent Indian men, some guy from Greece - the variety was truly amazing.

Then came Thomas. Sweetheart. A tall boy. Probably 6’3” or 6’4”. He’s from France with a boring intern job, looking for friends. He talked me up for hours, which I thought only as friendly talk of course. We laughed at how bad my French has become and discussed the differences in European/American culture and beer. Then he began the “You’re so beautiful. You’re such an interesting person. I have to see you again,” Frenchman spiel. *Sigh.* We danced a little (awkwardly) and he asked “you want to kiss me?” I replied, “Not tonight.”

I begged my couchsurfer for us to leave (I was his DD). Eventually we started out of the party and I was halted by a very dark man, losing my couchsurfer to another crowd. Dark man said “What’s your name?” “Kathleen.” “What’s your number?” “ummm....Greg? Time to go!?” Dark man tried more, telling me his name was Victor and he’s from Nigeria and would like to babysit me. RUN AWAY!

Lord help us all. I miss Scott.

It's a Gymboree Day!

I taught two music classes at Gymboree this morning. The first class was kind of a drag, but the second brought back the magic I needed to remember that I love what I do.

We played a passing game while I sang a song, and one little girl randomly started crying (these are 1 & 2 year-olds). Another little boy, who I always thought was a little nutty, took the ball when it got to him and gave it to the crying little girl. It was the most precious thing I've seen in a long time. He wanted her to feel better and it was the best way he knew how. I felt connected to the moms and the babies in the room...that we trusted each other and could have a good time. They were appreciative of the effort I put into designing those lessons, and along with my co-worker's hugs of encouragement and babies' smiles - I've got all I need to keep working.

No gym today because I'm staying up in Princeton, but I will return tomorrow full-force.

It's the end of the world as we know it

and I feel fine.

There's talk of the world ending tomorrow. I've even had dreams of being trapped by a flood. I really don't think I'd mind. Except I'd want to be with him.

Today's work out:

• 30 minute elliptical
• 500m swim
• 1000m rower
• 1 hour cycle class - even the instructor said "what are you guys doing here on your last night on earth?!"

Why Run, Bike, Swim?

Here's my history with the big 3.

Run...

I've always hated running. My hip pops, I have no drive, I really hate it. I fell in love with a marathon runner, and now I need to prove that I can, in fact, do it. It'll be a big fight.

Bike...

I never learned to ride a bike. I fell in love with a guy who tried to teach me, but I wound up flipping off of the bike and busting up my leg.

Swim...

My biggest accomplishment with swimming has been winning the kick-board race at the community swim club 6 years in a row. I have just joined LA Fitness for access to a pool.

So you see we're in for a treat.

In that I need cross-training because of my hip when it comes to running especially, mixing up my work will have many benefits and get me to my marathon/triathlon. I am making this choice for health, strength, and spirit. These strides will not be taken to beat others, but "to beat that little voice inside my head that wants me to quit."

Current weight: 134

Current body fat: 23.9%

Goal weight: 121

Goal body fat: 16%

Today's work out:

• 2 miles on elliptical
• 500m swim
• 20 minute strength-training session with a personal trainer

(sore back, abs, and shoulders already...here we go!)

Tabula Rasa

I have cried for 48 hours, having lost everything that makes sense to me.

I’m ready to begin again. This blog will follow me to my triathlon.