No More Miss Sunshine

So things are bad.

On Sunday, my dickhead roommate knocked on my door. I replied "naked!" He said, "Ok I'll wait." I got dressed and knocked on his door. He came out and said to me "This isn't pleasant conversation, but I don't think this roommate thing is working out..."

I quickly said, "Let's sit down and talk about this."

Him: "I'm not really crazy about the vibes we have. It's not fun. You're a nice girl and everything and you've done nothing wrong, but it's not the kind of roommate situation I want to be in, so I think it would be better for both of us if you found new roommates."

Me: "I don't want to move. I love it here. I'm happy here."

Him: "Well I'm not. I want to try something else."

Me: "Well then you move."

Him: "Well I've been here 2 years."

Me: *****Series of sobs, cries, complaints about how I've just started a new life and "you're really cruel" and "you can't just tell someone to get up and go!" and I can't handle moving right now and I have no time or energy********

Him: "Well it's not that hard to find another place or roommates. There's plenty around."

Me: "Well I better start looking. You're really cruel." *I grab my keys, storm out, call people, and go cry in the park for 2 hours.*

I texted my landlord that I don't want to leave. His reply, "I am so sorry Kathleen."

I have til September 30th. Craigslist #1 I really want but I have to wait til Sunday to see if I get it. Craigslist #2 is close to my school, but a little sketchysketch and unfurnished. Craigslist #3 looks beautiful in pictures and I'll see it tomorrow.

Onto the next complaint...

I finally met with the principal at the school where I have the middle school chorus class. Lines were crossed today and I FLIPPED OUT. I was seriously astonished at the behavior and comments I received today. I don't want to copy them here, but not only was I offended, insulted, and irritated, there were offenses that required immediate discipline action. Unbelievable.

Disrespect and inappropriateness is one thing, but it also breaks my heart to be failing at doing what I set out to do...which is make kids love singing. They hate everything. What am I supposed to do? I still wuv them, but c'mon. Sing.

Other complaints: Car insurance/stuff, Bank stuff, lesson plan stuff, evaluation stuff, more stuff.

Happy Time...

I am in love with general music class. I'm really figuring things out at Nava (K-6). I'm learning which steps to take to set up musical and class success before disaster even has a chance. I learn every day. The EAs that come in with special needs kids or just because they're kindergarten have been a blessing. They have a position of control and understanding of each child, they give me suggestions, and help with behavior. I'm astounded and get new ideas from them all the time.

General Music is my safe place...my everything. My kids are so funny. Sometimes when they're bad I just laugh. Like today when I was lecturing a 2nd grade class, I said something along the lines of "I love you all very much but we really need to do better listening blahblah..." and one snotty girl goes "What if we don't want to love you?" Hahahahahaha I said "Well you don't have to love me but if you don't follow directions you can't play the instruments and you get a bad report." Hahaha love it.

This week I put on a jungle-themed "play" with my 1st & 2nd graders with masks, drums, and xylophones, and it was sooo much fun. And imagine little Spanish-speaking Kinders doing the chicken dance. Omg. Love. My older kids are sometimes musicians and sometimes animals. But I wuv them. The daily hugs are worth everything.

My family has been so supportive in my rough time. Daily calls let me know I'm not alone. I feel so much love.

Things could be worse. Andie is being moved to another teaching position, 3 weeks into school. Can you imagine? So sad. Love her.

My new ritual is that on Wednesday evenings I bring all my schoolbooks to McDonald's and I order a small Mango Pineapple smoothie and I sit there for hours typing my lesson plans. (Typing takes longer than planning).

I saw a shirt I recognized and a little boy following behind. It was one of the teachers in my school and her foster child who I had taught earlier today. I love this kid's enthusiasm, though the EA in the class often makes him sit out. I waved in the McDonald's and he ran up to me...

"Hi Miss Echols! What are you doing here? I got this bouncy ball at the college. We're gonna go get ice cream after this. Do you wanna come? Can I go in your car? What are we doing in music next week? Want some of my fries? (puts them on my table) I'm a national wrestler. I don't know when wrestling is again....."

Love. I went to Baskin Robbins with them and my teacher friend treated me. I got less lesson planning done, but what a nice time...to sit with my dear student and colleague and enjoy some free Rocky Road on a sugar cone.

Life can be good even when it's bad.

Keepin' it Classy

Keepin' it classy (pun intended) ain't easy...

but it's necessary. Some co-workers say, "you have to find balance. Work cannot be what determines your day, your feelings, your life..." While I agree that I can't let my students' behavior affect the way I feel about myself and my life, being in this new position in my professional life is so important to me that I refuse to stray far from the mindset of "how can my students and I achieve musical success?" It's exhausting. I go to bed, wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, go to other work, go home, go on hikes with Andie...all thinking about my lesson plans, my students, and what I can do better.

"I just want to do so well," I said, crying. "Well...that's a lot better than saying 'I just want to do so average,'" said fellow co-worker.

My chorus has given me the hardest time. The disrespectful back-talk has sent me over the edge some days and I'll admit I've silently left crying a few times. I'm in communication about discipline procedures.

I see that chorus class every morning, then head to Nava where I teach 3 more hour-long classes per day. This is a total of 16 groups of kids between Kindergarten and 6th/7th grade. My biggest frustrations with the littles are that they touch and kick each other, and there's only so many "Why do we keep our hands and feet to ourselves?" conversations I can stop my lesson to have, and only so many "You sit there for the remainder of class because you can't control your hands" moments I can handle in a day.

Despite the behavior frustrations, I love all my kids, and there are some very sweet and wonderful classes at Nava that make me so proud I melt. As my facebook status boasted, last Friday a 1st grade girl raised her hand to say, "Teacher...I love you." Also the 6th graders for some reason call me "Miss Sunshine" instead of Miss Echols (I don't know why), so I just tell them "well don't make me turn into Miss Cloudy Day... *serious face*"

It's so hard to be a teacher, and I guess I'm a little obsessed right now...but I'm glad chorus is still in my life as it always has been, and general music is just SO FRICKIN FUN. I love lesson planning and thinking about new ways to make music together. I was given this music curriculum from the district (some of its tools, cards, and posters are seen in my classroom pictures) and it's really wonderful. Fun games for all.

Stress is every day. Homesickness, sickness, responsibilities, lessoning, living...but things are well. I'm smiling pretty much. I've got Andie to talk to, hike with, and try things with (we went to a really good yoga class last weekend). I just really miss Scott and my big brother and sister and Daddy and Anna and aunts and my Lex&Ba&Erin&Jess&Deidre and my everyone.

The sky is still amazing and beautiful, even during monsoon season. The rain makes hikes muddier and feet wetter, but it feels healthy when some days are so hot.

I've been kind of depressed as I think that my goal was to run a half-marathon this September, if I were to have stayed in Jersey. Of course, life had to change, I moved across the country to a much higher altitude with different conditions and a different schedule. I guess it can wait, but I'm quite frustrated at the delay.

Umm...there's a lizard on my window screen right now...

Wait...

...wasn't this blog about finding strength?

...wasn't it about learning how to run, bike, and swim?

Must...get...better...

Must...kick...ass...

Vertigoaway

I wound up in the Emergency Room the other day due to vertigo. I had felt dizzy the night before but thought sleep would help. I woke up throughout the night wondering why I felt so sick. I called my Dad crying and he told me to call my PopPop, the doctor, and he told me to go to the ER. I had to call in my first day ever of being a real teacher sick. Look at me gooo.

They hooked me up with fluids and medicines and I was tripped out and sleepy. They were mad at me because I kept falling asleep in the CAT Scan. They threw me out on the street telling me a cab would come, but I wound up wobbling around a bit. I came home and went to sleep, missing the mandatory new teacher training. Look at me gooo.

I went into work Thursday and just cried in my room. Then went home to sleep for 14 hrs. Look at me gooo.

Then I went into work Friday and put up a bulletin board, had risers set up in my choir room, and laminated some bees. Eventually I gave up and sprawled out on the floor of my classroom. Shh don't tell...but I'm so not ready for Monday. Look at me gooo.

I attended a school meeting where we did some together-activities and talked about the various rules and stuff to know. It was hard to get through, feeling so sick and being anxious about getting to the music book store before it closed. I rushed like crazy and I got to the music book store place and they tell me "Oh yeah...the orchestra teacher picked up your books about an hour ago." I went to my car and cried. Look at me gooo.

Gavin brought me pizza tonight and wished me good health. That was nice.

Facebook reminded me that "On this day in 2010..." I had posted about trying to sign to Scott after my wisdom teeth were taken out and I expected him to understand me. That was a silly memory. Scott told me the nurse-receptionists were cracking up because I was giggling on the way out. Scott was so awesome that day.

I hate this. Look at me gooo...

The Bandelier Epic Fail

We rocked it.

La vie boheme

confused face.

Yesterday morning was the meeting for music teachers in my district/surrounding districts. Everyone was very nice. I introduced myself to the group and one man replies "New Jersey?! I was wondering what that smell was..."

I'm hoping this job won't be as scary as I'm feeling. There are a lot of extra events to remember and plan for as a music teacher. Get a bus for this, learn music for that, permission slips and chaperones for this, audition for that...

I took a nice nap in the day, and woke up to go to dinner and the opera with Gavin (his first opera aww). We went to the Tune Up Cafe which was exquisite. From the looks it would be average, but the food was unbelievable. I got a salad of arugula and goat cheese and candied walnuts and figs and amazingness. An old couple sat next to us and commented a lot...like how my skirt matched the tablecloth.

We took a drive around the countryside surrounding the opera because we were early. The sun was setting in the mountains and the sky and earth were all kinds of colors. We arrived at the opera to find the classy folk TAILGATING in their classy ways with wine and the like in the parking lot. One group of women was wearing all black dresses and had set up a table in the parking lot adorned with food and candelabras. No joke.

We were standing in line for standing room tickets when a woman approached us from behind asking if we need tickets. We explained that we're opting for the $15 standing room tickets and she goes "oh...ours are a little more hahaha..." Not more than a minute later she comes back and says "Ya know what? I'm gonna sell them to you for $15 because you guys are cute." We accepted and Gavin handed them $40.

We look on the ticket...we're in Row L...and they were originally $110 a pop. WIN!

La Boheme was beautiful. A fantastic set in the open air of the Santa Fe Opera. Each performer was phenomenal...believable and captivating. I longed to be up there. In the passion and the drama. The love story of Mimi and Rodolfo...the boyish playfulness of Shaunard and Colline...the lusty and fervent Musetta and her poor guy Marcello...even the connection almost anyone would have to the people walking down the street in the chilly Parisian air.

The ending is heartbreaking, especially after the more uplifting ending to Rent. I couldn't stop drawing all the parallels between Rent and Boheme. The characters, scenes, dialogue...it's all so linear. Until the end...womp womp. A beautiful evening.

Teacher Teacher (can you teach me?)

Right on, Matt Damon. It's true. Most teachers want to teach. I want to teach. Sometimes I question whether I know enough, or whether I'm worthy of being called "teacher." I'm thankful that Critical Pedagogy has allowed me to accept that teacher and student are both learners, and that's the cycle we foster.

Yesterday I saw my classroom at Nava Elementary. I can't believe it's mine. It's in a separate portable house thing. I only have one bulletin board to worry about decorating, plus some other things to make it really homey. The rest of the space is window/chalkboard (yes, chalk). I want to go in and clean all the instruments and make a good system. It's a good space, I think. Not huge but not too tiny. There's lots of drums and xylophones. I stood in my classroom and took it all in. My principal is a very nice lady and we seemed to see eye-to-eye on many things. The other teachers I met were friendly, kind, and welcoming. I want to do well.

I met with the choral lady at the high school as well. She was very helpful in answering some of my questions. My head is spinning with all there is to do with starting the year. Not knowing my students: how many, how experienced, how well they read, their range, their personalities, their enthusiasm...I have to admit it's stressing me. Our first fiesta is September 11th and there's a lot of material for 7th graders to learn. In all this, I will try my best!

In the afternoon I went for a short hike on St. John's College Trail with Andie, the 1st grade teacher at another elementary school. She's a great girl - we talked about boys and exercise, and she's on the same fitness level as I am (win!). Bandelier on Sunday.

Today I'm off to Aspen, where I am the chorus director. Chin up, Kathleen!

Il bel far niente

I'm finally getting around to reading Elizabeth Gilbert's eat pray love. I'm about 100 pages in & she's still in Italy, where she learns this beautiful phrase...il bel far niente, Italian for "the beauty of doing nothing." It's something the Italians know far better than we ever will.

This morning was important...orientation for new teachers at the school district building. Everyone was very nice and friendly. We filled out forms for insurance and all the policies in the world. We had 30some days to complete some of the forms and get them notarized, but I chose to take them home, call Dad, and make an appointment immediately to get everything done and out of my hands. Woot woot.

The rest of the day was hooping a little and reading. I also made myself a delicious dinner which I'm enjoying right now of chicken, rice, and edamame. Lunch was a fantastically special sandwich. I'm eating well. Just like Liz. So, as Liz is learning in her travel adventure to Italy, I'm learning that you don't have to do anything but breathe and eat sometimes. And laugh. I hung out with Gavin for a short while yesterday and he was obviously practicing some of his comedy improv while we jammed on ukulele and drank tea. Laughing is so important. Cheryl kinda taught me the other day too...that with all life's twists and turns, how can you be expected to be running in circles all the time and be exactly where you're supposed to be? So, I've been appreciating my short time being able to enjoy "the beauty of doing nothing."

I'm not ashamed of spending a day & a half reading and hooping, making myself laugh & letting Liz's wild thoughts on men & travel make me laugh out loud when I'm in the park.

I also found a hiking buddy today, or she found me, at orientation today. She's a 1st grade teacher, not in my school but in the district and has just moved here from Indiana. She asked if I want to go hiking a short trail tomorrow and to Bandelier National Monument on Sunday. Hells yes.

And guess what else - I get to see my classroom tomorrow!

Chamisa Trial, Chili Sauce, and Chamber Music

Today's blog is brought to you by the digraph: Ch

My date with the mountains this morning was beautiful. I drove up the curvy road to the Chamisa trailhead and set off with my pocket knife hooked to one side of my tank top and my keys on the other. It was exactly what I wanted. An easy trail to explore and start my relationship with the Santa Fe National Forest.

^ my photo for once!

The sky was so blue and the Aspens were so green and the rock was so red. I was really truly alone. Occasionally I would pass a group of elderly people heaving their way up and down the slopes of the trail. I didn't come across any wildlife except for a few chipmunks and butterflies, but I did meet a Doberman Pinscher. She was by herself so I chatted with her a bit and had her walk with me until we found her owner. Maybe she was never lost...she seemed to know this quiet place very well.

"Let us be as simple and well as Nature ourselves,

dispel the clouds which hang over our brows,

and take up a little life into our pores." - Thoreau

I fantasized about what it would be like to be under attack or to slip or something horrible to happen while I was walking, but to live to tell the story. I imagined jumping off the ledge and hanging onto a tree branch, plummeting hundreds of feet to what could be death but some branches slow my fall and I wind up on my feet, face-to-face with a new enemy...you know? like in one of those movies where everyday people become heroes and save themselves and the world? It could happen.

Though I could feel my shortness of breath at an elevation of 8,400 ft, the trail loop was less than 3 miles, like a warm-up, and I was ready for more. I wanted to go find another trail of medium or medium-hard difficulty, so I got in the car and drove. As I drove higher and higher up the curvy road I realized I hadn't thought about lunch and I was hungry. I checked out a few other interesting trailheads where birds cheeped and creeks ran by. I've got the names of some of them, so I can return to fully explore their wondrousness another day.

For lunch I had leftovers from when I got New Mexican food the other night. There's this thing here, where every food service person will ask you "red or green?" The first time this happened I was so confused. What? Red or green? That first time I just said a color..."Red?" Knowing now that that means red or green chili sauce to accompany the burrito or food item of your choosing, this time I ordered both - or "Christmas." The meal came out on a plate, like a big delicious blob of mush. I wasn't sure what was what...but they were both in there...somewhere...Mr. Red and Ms. Green. So today when I ate a bit more...I think I found the green. It was hot. Real hot.

That's Dawn Upshaw. Can you find the Kathleen?

So when I heard that Dawn Upshaw was in town for the Chamber Music Festival, I knew I had to see her again. When I sang John Adams' El Nino at Carnegie Hall with my choir in December 2009, Upshaw was our soprano soloist. She is a glorious vocalist who in rehearsal looks no more than a soccer mom. I was saddened by the prices when I looked online, but thanks to my super awesome roommate Michael who was planning on going as well, he managed to get me a half-price, totally worth-it ticket.

The performance was on two pieces which I've totally written papers on specifically - Schubert's "Death and the Maiden" and Golijov's Ayre. The Schubert string quartet was wonderfully crisp and clean, expressive and gorgeous. The Golijov was unbelievable: electronic sound, accordion, guitar, harp, winds, percussion, Dawn Upshaw expressing the shit out of each word and vocal waterfall.

We knew there was a reception where we got some free food and met some friendly artsy folk. It was truly "event" and though I didn't feel as though I fit in, I enjoyed myself. Wine in my hand, I chatted with artsy workers who run "events" and publicists who told me that I have to keep studying and I have to get into the opera business and everything quickly while I'm young. No pressure, right? It made me panic a little bit. Maybe I'll miss my chance if I teach too long. What? What's going on? Life? There's no time to waste? Help me...

Then...she walked out to the outdoor square where we were receptionizing. I was in the presence of Dawn Upshaw. I immediately starting giggling and jittering. I felt like a loser and I know the publicist people obviously thought it was unattractive, but I really couldn't contain myself. I pulled myself together, got a pen and took out the picture I had printed (the one above...at Carnegie) and approached her, introducing myself as a young soprano. She laughed with the picture and said signed it, telling me maybe one day I'll be in her spot and she'll be in the choir. How funny!!!!!!!!

I got my signature but wanted a picture. I awkwardly stalked her in conversation then as she left said "Dawn? Would you mind a picture?" and she goes "In the dark?" but she smiled anyway.

Not a great picture of me, but a great memory :)

Michael showed me around the plaza, pointing to the nice places to check out. Live music was going on on the plaza and people were dancing, one lady even with her dog.

Good roommate. Good times.